The Heart of the Matter

Hola! How was your weekend? Mine's was amazing! Yes, I did say mine's. I don't think I should have to change all of my grammatical errors when I blog from when I speak. Does that even make sense? Oh well. Can I just say that today's general conference was so great! I love it and I only fell asleep for part of one talk. Better than yesterday... I fell asleep for about half of one session. Eek! I got some answers to a few of the questions I wrote down, which was awesome! I will do better for next conference to be prepared and to get all of my questions answered.

Now for the challenge...

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Ugh. This is a sensitive subject. It doesn't have to be but it is what it is. I don't know if you remember about one of my exes that I call Voldemort. Well it has to do with him. I need to forgive myself about the fact that I am having a hard time completely getting over him. He was my first love. We were together for 3 1/2 years. That's a huge chunk of my life, mostly because it was from my senior year of high school until my mission. Basically, I thought I was over him but then he suddenly came back into my life and I found out more information that made me upset and on the verge of hating him. I realized that I need to just let go and move on. It's a hard thing to do. I think that I have been SLOWLY progressing and moving on. I guess I just need to forgive myself over the fact that it really wasn't my fault. Yeah, I did put a lot into that relationship. Definitely more than I got in return. For a while I didn't regret that relationship but then after finding out some information only recently, I kind of do regret it. There was so much drama that happened because we were together. I basically ran away from home to be with him. I put off school right after graduation, for him. I had a lot of problems w/ Karyn, because of him. And I avoided talking to my family for a while. All because of him. Even now, I compare guys to him. Mostly because I don't really have anyone else to compare them to. I know that I will eventually get over the whole thing, but I need to be okay with the fact that it WILL take time. I have to stop beating myself up over everything that happened. It wasn't my fault. At all! This is where the over thinking/ over analyzing happens.

On a lighter note, I thought I'd add a song today. This one is awesome! It's originally a Don Henley song, but I have the India.Arie version. Which I love! It basically sums up what I was talking about. Be strong, be happy, and find the joy in your life! Enjoy! :)

The Heart of the Matter- India.Arie

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore