One More Time!

How do you put into words your feelings? It's always such a difficult thing. Sometimes I wish there was a device that you could plug into your head so it would then translate everything into words. It's interesting how jumbled your thoughts tend to be. If you know me, then you know how random I am. :)

Here's the thing... It's been an intense roller coaster ride in life lately, and I've been trying hard to hold on and brace myself for the next turn. For the most part I feel like I've done a pretty good job, but I am still having a bit of difficulty. I talk about how I'm finally moving on from "ancient history," and yet, I find myself thinking about it more than I should let myself. I wonder, why he did what he did or, why he continues to do what he's doing or, "what was he thinking?" Soon after, I reevaluate my thinking into, "why are you even concerned about him? He doesn't care about you anymore, so why should you care about him?" I then think about what it is I'm supposed to learn from all of this. I have yet to figure it out completely, but I have an idea. I think that through this ridiculous heart ache and pain, I need to realize that, I AM strong! I AM capable! I AM worth so much more! I DO deserve more! Too many times in life we short change ourselves. We settle. We get too complacent.

At this time of my life, I have realized that I have been waiting for the "next big thing." I complain that I don't feel like anything is happening in my life. I complain that I feel like I'm not progressing. I complain about how I wish there was something or someone to tell me what I should be doing w/ my life right now. I hate growing up. :) I miss the days when other people made decisions for me. Those days were good... mostly.

I was talking to Karyn earlier today and she shared a story of "revelation." It's interesting that we've talked about this "ah-ha" moment before, but in different ways and in different words. Basically, she realized that things aren't happening in her life, because she isn't making them happen. How truer can that be? It was so simple and yet, more powerful than all the other conversations we've had about the same thing. If I want my life to go a certain way, or if there is something that I want in life, I need to make it happen. If I don't want to be struggling financially anymore, than I need do better at budgeting, and saving my money. If I want to see the world, then I need to figure out ways that I can make that happen. If I want to lose weight and be more healthy, I need to change my eating habits and exercise. I can't sit around expecting life to come to me. I have to go out and take life into my own hands and make the most of it!

During General Conference weekend, there's so much that is taught. So much that makes you think. So much that makes you want to change. We have our favorite talks and we can't wait for the Ensign to come out so we can read and study them again. But after that, nothing happens. That's why there is so much repetition in the church. It takes us more than once to really internalize something. I mean think about it, how many times were you prompted by the Holy Ghost to do something, before you actually listened? Not many of us can honestly say, "once." I have definitely been one of those that was told multiple times and practically yelled at by the Spirit, to listen. It's the same concept. You have to hear it a multitude of times and in various ways, before it really sticks!

Moral of the story... if you want something to happen, YOU need to make it happen. Don't be afraid it do it. Shoot for the moon, if you miss, you'll be among the stars. Or however the quote goes. "Trust in the Lord w/ all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6) Too often do I forget to trust in the Lord. Too many times I think that I'm leaning on Him too much or that I'm totally burdening Him w/ my problems. In all honesty, that's what He's there for. Take hold of His outstretched hand and step onto the rocks to cross the rushing waters of the winding river. "Be not afraid." Be strong, be happy, and find the joy in your life!